Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Highest Grossing Film? Gross!

Although the Academy Awards are a bunch of pointless crap since it's just a bunch of film industry lowlifes voting on whatever dreck is well promoted that year, it manages to generate a lot of buzz among media folks and gay men. It's kind of dumb that the movies are awarded within a year of their release, since it does take several years to see if a film stands the test of time (seriously, "Ghost" was nominated back in 1990).

Also annoying is the fact that they measure all-time movie blockbusters by dollar grosses, without correcting for inflation. The sort of morons who adhere to that sort of measurement should be ashamed that a baseball legend like Babe Ruth made less money than a backup catcher on the San Diego Padres this year! It is under this stupid measurement that noted schlock director James Cameron could (until recently) argue that his cliched cartoon of a film, Titanic, was the highest grossing film of all time. You see, because in 1997 squealing pre-teen girls with a crush on Leonardo Di Cappucino were paying $8 a ticket, compared to the squaling pre-teen (and entirely white) girls with a crush on Clark Gable were paying a nickel a ticket to see Gone With the Wind in 1939.

And of course, now Cameron's latest flashy dreck, Avatar, has outpaced Titanic as top grossing film of all time (giving that hack the top two spots in the record books). Really, people? I acknowledge both of his films were (are) very popular, and sold a lot of tickets, but comparing a $10 ticket today with much cheaper tickets in 1939 (where $10 could have bought you a meal, a car, a new suit, a ticket to the World Series, and three comely wenches of questionable virtue, with change left over for the bus afterwards) is absurd.

But the last laugh will be had a few decades from now, when James Cameron has retired and had his head frozen for posterity, and the remake of "Roller Boogie" (this time starring Miley Cyrus' daughter, Flumpy Cyrus--and yes I think "Flumpy" will be a popular first name for girls in the 2040s) becomes the highest grossing film of all time, making over $4 trillion dollars. Of course, movie tickets will cost $300 apiece at that time.

Not including popcorn.

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