Friday, February 19, 2010

Murderer Contingency Plan

Just saw the movie "Orphan" and while it devolved quickly into the typical horror-movie cliche (evil antagonist that is relentlessly murderous, hunting the good guys in the dark and each time you think s/he is dead they keep popping back up), it was a very enjoyable story. Basically, a family adopts a pre-teen Russian girl, and that's their first mistake--everyone knows Russians are moody and dangerous people (see Stalin, Joseph--and yes I know he was originally Georgian but culturally he was Russian). I know whenever I invite Russians over I try and keep sharp objects away from them. I'm a quarter Russian myself, and have to work at it to keep the murderousness to a minimum.

Anyway, the "orphan" adoptee of course gets all murderousy, the heroine mother soon learns of a dark past, the idiot father doesn't trust his wife, etc.--this is all pretty clear to anyone who saw the preview. But it also reminded me that every fambly needs a "murderer contingency plan". I'm sure when I have a fambly of my own they're going to laugh and mock me for having a murderer contingency plan, but as I always say, better to have something and not need it than need it and not have it. And just for mocking me, no trips to Disneyland you little bastards.

My murderer contingency plan will involve strongly locking doors, no skylights in the house (at least not ones that you can see into the house from), and the kitchen knives will be firmy locked in a drawer. All of my many firearms will be strapped to my body, and the kids will be trained in using clubs (unless they're evil kids, in which case they'll be mis-trained, and only in using wiffle bats. It's the height of foolishness to let your evil kids learn to use real bats). A special room will be labelled "safe room" and so a murderer will see it and be all "aha! I bet the fambly is hiding in here" and he'll go in and then it'll slam shut and he'll be trapped. Music will be piped into the room to punish him for his murderous ways (I'm thinking some Elton John, but not his good stuff).

Want to murder my fambly? Then get ready to be subjected to "Candle in the Wind" on a continuous loop, you fiend.

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