Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Horrible, Horrible Bugs

I often wondered whether if there really were some Cloverfield/Godzilla type monster coming from the depths of the ocean, it would spend more time being all "eek, air! Horrible horrible air!" than destroying stuff, since of course anything living in the ocean depths needs serious water pressure to survive. But as countless movies have proven, the monsters just go about their monstering business and wrecking cities and stomping hipsters. It's what they do.

Perhaps our insect friends feel the same about us, and dealt fine with ruining our picnics for centuries before we discovered bug spray and citronella, and those fiendish zappers. Of course, the bugs are probably watching awful films like "The Swarm" and being all "go, bees! Woot!" and "oh that's unrealistic, they have our attack patterns down all wrong!" and "man that Olivia de Havilland has really gotten hard up for work hasn't she?" And when you read terrible stories about kids in Africa being carried off by armies of ants, or that there are something like 1,000,000,000 insects for every human, it makes you think. It makes you think "cancel that trip to Africa!"

But even more frightening than that--what about the insects we don't know about? We know about bullet ants (named for a sting that feels like being shot) and Goliath Spiders (which aren't insects but far more horrible) and any God that can let such things exist clearly hates humans. We also discover something like ten new species every day. Even if nine of those ten are just cuddly new forms of wombat, that still leaves one new horror every day.

It'd be like Michael Bay getting an unlimited movie deal.

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