Ode to My Favorite Season

With autumn around the corner, many festivities are in the offing, from disemboweling pumpkins to the drinking of Beaujolais (or the "Boge" as it's called on the streets! Only the toughest street gangs with the most impeccable taste in red wine will drink the Boge). Yes, soak it up, autumnal fans! Because one day the pumpkins may rise up against their masters and clean out our skulls so they can put a candle in them and scare neighborhood kids. Don't think they wouldn't if they ever got the chance!

(As an aside--I don't get vegans. They're all about not hurting animals, and I just have to say, those animals would be more than happy to milk us (shudder!), force us to make honey somehow (yes I am no biologician) and even eat us if they had the chance. Do you really think appeasement will work? Do you really think that when the animals rise up against us they're going to show mercy on those who only ate veggies? I think not! Join us against our animal enemies!)

(Another aside--don't actually join us meat eaters. You vegans are helping us keep the cost of meat down, since you help lower demand. Go eat broccoli or cauliflower, since I have no interest in those vile weeds)

Yes, pumpkin carving, nature hikes, apple buying (picking is for yuppies! Just buy from the roadside stands, you can get cider there too and it tastes different from the stuff you get in stores since it has no preservatives, and if you leave it in your fridge long enough it goes alchoholic), electioneering, making of feasts--this is what makes it the greatest of seasons. You get that extra hour of sleep on that one day in October, and the cooler air means you can actually dress nice rather than practical. The crispier autumn ales come out, which makes you plausibly an afficionado of fine suds rather than a problem drinker who really needs help. And football games on the telly. Which are really an excuse to hang out with other afficionados of fine suds and chat for a few hours while pretending to watch the games.

Autumn--the only thing sucky about it is the winter that follows.