Friday, August 28, 2009

Picking Up Women, Part One

A lot of people ask me, "Hey Brando, what's the best strategy for picking up women?" And then they say "oh wait, look who I'm asking." Then I pretend to have not heard that, and I tell them my super sure tips to picking up members of the fairer sex!

1) Be good looking. That's key--if you're good looking, you don't have to be funny, because women will think you're deep, and you don't have to be smart because women will think you have "unconventional intelligence". They will laugh at your bad jokes, because nothing's funnier than a good looking man saying something.

2) What if you're not good looking? No fear, there are other possibilities for you! You can be really really rich. Now, I know what you're thinking--"aren't women who are with you just because you're rich, well, shallow? Do I want a shallow woman?" To this I say, flimshaw! There's nothing shallow about being with a guy for his money. Money is a measure of hard work, or being related to someone who worked hard. That's an essential human trait! Unless you're rich because you got lucky (lottery, stock market). But that means that the Universe favors you. Nothing shallow about the Universe, people!

3) Okay, you're rich and not good looking. What now? Be tall. Women love guys taller than them. Partly because if you stand with the sun behind your head they can't really tell if you're good looking. Plus, tall guys can reach more fruit when you're hunting and gathering. Can't say no to fruit.

4) Okay, you're short, not good looking, and not rich. What now? Well, that's where Truly Brilliant Super Strategy (TBSS) comes into play. Stay tuned for Part Two....


  1. ... Have a really really large... heart?

    (Being able to cook doesn't hurt either.)

  2. Rachel Hunter always says she is living proof "that you don't need to be attractive to marry a supermodel"

    I guess you just have to be a multi-millionaire rock star.

    Plus I think she divorced him :)

  3. Brett--some guys have larger hearts than others, but women say it's not the size of the heart but what you do with it...

    Being able to cook is key!

    J--I sort of wondered about that one--Rod Stewart was also married to Britt Eckland I think--and she was with Peter Sellers before that! In both cases these women werent' exactly hurting for money or unknown--so there must be some je ne sais quois!

  4. Can't wait to see what the TBSS is, very funny stuff. Might lighter than yesterday's topic!

  5. Chole--clearly controversy sells! I'll need to do a post on why Idi Amin was misunderstood, and why musical theater is the devil's work.