Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I'm Just So Full of Leadership

Many people (i.e., that guy in the elevator that one time) have asked me what qualifies me to be mayor of D.C. It all really comes down to one thing--leadership. I know everything there is to know about being a leader. This comes from years of reading books (some of them without ANY pictures in them) and studying the leadership qualities of various characters in those books. In fact, I've thought of writing my own book on leadership, in which I would impart the following lessons:

1) Establish dominance with others. Going to a big important meeting? You'll need to subtly show who's boss. You are! A good way to do this is to have a big scar on your neck, and casually explain it by saying you beat up a ninja on the way over. If they've already heard that excuse, you can easily exchange ninjas for Zulu warriors.

2) Delegate. Got a tough task, or difficult decision to make? Simply say "I would be interested in hearing what Bob/Alice/Fido thinks about this matter." Then it seems like you're being magnanimous towards your underlings!

3) Don't refer to your underlings as "underlings". At least not to their face.

4) Crisis? Hide under a pile of laundry until the crisis passes. FDR spent the bulk of World War Two under a pile of coats, and his butler made many crucial decisions during that period.

5) Always have a glass of whisky and a cigar handy. Leaders are always indulging in personal vices, to compensate for all their leadership. LBJ kept an eight-ball of cocaine handy, which he often would snort off the bare backside of a Pan Am stewardess.

6) Remember, all "crises" are really just "opportunities". JFK found himself nearly nuking the shit out of half the world during the Cuban Missile Opportunity.

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