Friday, August 21, 2009

WW2 Recap

With the arrival today of Inglorious Basterds which I suspect will be terrible but I'll probably see anyway, it's time for a quick recap of the Second World War.

1) France decided to be a dick after the First War, because why not? France was on the winning side, Germany had lost, and nothing could ever change that, right? So they humiliated the Germans until they went all Nazi.

2) Hitler was all "hey, Poland is like RIGHT HERE, let's take them out!"

3) The Russians were like "hey, take Poland if you like! Just give us some of it and we're cool."

4) Britain and France were all "oh no, not this crap again! Wasn't Germany not supposed to have an army after last time?" War ensued, but nothing happened for a bit.

5) Then Germany invades France, and the French fall like a deck of cards, even though they had plenty of time to prepare, and a bigger army with more tanks. They may as well have had a cheerleading squad defending the borders for all the good that did.

6) Italy decides to enter the war, because the one thing the war lacked was good comic relief. They proceed to have the greatest modern military disasters, each one more tragically comic than the last. They would eventually take a bow by executing their own leader, Mussolini.

7) Germany decides instead of trying to invade England, that it would be a good idea to invade Russia instead. This is because Germany did not have access to the Weather Channel back then. This would be a mistake.

8) While Germany is getting beaten down in Russia, Japan decides to attack the United States, largely because they considered it racist that World War Two only involved white people killing white people. Before long, plenty of non-whites would have their chance to get killed.

9) Germany decides to declare war on the U.S., because why not?

10) Stalin and the Russians start complaining that they have to do all the fighting against Germany, even though they were the ones who thought it would be a good idea to carve up Poland with the Nazis and now it's not cool that the Nazis of all people would turn on them. Because if you can't trust the Nazis then who could you trust?

11) The British and Americans invade and liberate France, though according to the French today this was totally unnecessary since all the French were members of the French Resistance and surely would have driven the Germans out themselves.

12) Germany falls, Hitler dies, and everyone discovers that the Jews had been mostly slaughtered along with a lot of Gypsies, Slavs, etc. This will ultimately lead to the Jews creating their own homeland in the only part of the Middle East that has no oil, figuring that finally they would be in a place where people could leave them alone.

13) Japan is all "oh, crap" when they realize it's down to them and the United States.

14) The U.S. drops the atom bomb on Hiroshima, figuring this would be a way to convince the Japanese to surrender for the first time in their history. For some reason they drop another bomb on Nagasaki a few days later.

15) The Japanese surrender, and all evil is vanquished in the world. It all started because a totalitarian dictator had invaded Poland, and an imperial power had dominated East Asia. When the war was over, another totalitarian dictator occupied all of Eastern Europe, and another imperial power dominated East Asia. Mission accomplished!

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