After many years of being rather agnostic, I figure it's about time to pick a new religion--it's sort of a must in politics! Imagine for a minute if Obama didn't go to church regularly--people might accuse him of being a secret Muslim or something! Ronald Reagan ran a risk of being pegged as an atheist when he didn't go to church during his presidency, but he cleverly answered that going to church would be a security risk for the other parishioners. Check and mate, Reagan! I even used that excuse when I was growing up, until my dad pointed out that no one was going to try and shoot me because I wasn't famous or powerful. Yet.
So I need to pick a religion that doesn't require too much kneeling, allows for regular skipping of services, and doesn't ban anything I enjoy doing. Let's look at the options:
1) Islam. The multiple wives thing would be neat, but having so many women telling me what to do all the time would require me to do a lot more drinking. But wait! That's forbidden! Crap.
2) Buddhism. I can't share a religion with Richard Gere. I just can't.
3) Catholocism. They have cool stuff like Crusades and Inquisitions, and the neatest looking churches. Plus, how sweet is it to be able to recant everything on your deathbed? But their services are too long, and they're always asking for money.
4) Judaism. This seems neat because most Jews I know are very "ho hum" about religion except on big holidays. But the holidays are all about starving and seriously, the dreidel? With only four sides to it, it's only 2/3 as interesting as a die (or whatever is singular for "dice"). I'll have to put that on the "maybe" list.
5) Episcopalian. Now we're talking! I've never heard of a die-hard Episcopalian, or of anyone complaining about "Episcopalians moving into our neighborhood"--so unlike most religions, you're not starting out with a bunch of enemies. Then again, it seems a bit boring to not have that sort of friction with the community.
6) Russian Orthodox. This is sort of like Judaism, but without the foothold in Hollywood.
7) Zoroastrianism. I'll admit, the main appeal of this minority Persian religion is that no one knows anything about it. So you can just make it up as you go along.
8) Ancient Greco-Roman Gods. Fuck that total bullshit crap. Up yours, Zeus!
9) Southern Baptist. Sounds like a lot of shouting and drama going on what with the riverside baptisms, singing and dancing, and stuff like that. I really don't have that much energy on Sundays.
10) Snake Handers. Pass!
11) Wiccan. Remember that weird art teacher you had back in high school, who smelled of hemp and wore sandals in the winter? I don't know if I want to be in a room full of that guy.
In the comments below, vote on your pick for my new religion!