Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Red Ribbon Panel to Convene

It seems every time there's some kind of crisis, the powers that be like to appoint a "blue ribbon panel". As if, ooh, hey look, BLUE ribbon, that's pretty high intensity right there! They're not wasting any time screwing around with red or yellow ribbons, not these geniuses in Congress/City Council/Faceless Corporation. Nothing is unimportant when it gets the blue ribbon treatment.

Of course, that leaves out all the minor problems in the world, which need at least some red ribbon panel to look into it. A red ribbon panel could consist of mid-level managment types, not exactly stars of their given field but passable. Think Alan Thicke and the girl from Family Ties whose brother is a lot more famous since he did Arrested Development.

A red ribbon panel could be called to deal with any of the following issues:

1) Why they dont' make modern cars with those cool tail fins anymore.
2) What can be done about my damn allergies.
3) Why they only make three-flavored iced cream in chocolate, vanilla and strawberry and not more fun flavors like peanut butter, super-deep dark chocolate, and mint.
4) On the subject of chocolate, how come they still make things with milk chocolate when it's clear that dark chocolate is superb?
5) Shouldn't they just combine a lot of our states, like the two Dakotas, or Connecticut and Rhode Island? It'd make it a lot easier for kids to memorize.
6) How come in high school the foreign kid always has to sit with the nerds? They're going to think all Americans are nerds and then go back to their countries telling the people about what weak nerds we Americans are! Which might explain why every country tries to fight us.
7) Delaware just doesn't have a purpose anymore. Out they go!
8) Is it financially feasible to charge rich people to write cool stuff on the surface of the moon so it can be seen from earth.
9) If we could make it so that trees could talk, would that be awesome, or would we get really sick of the trees bothering us with their problems?
10) Why don't they sell canned wine?

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