Friday, January 29, 2010

State of the Union

I used to watch State of the Union addresses, as I figured they'd be good ways to find out what direction the president would try to lead the country into for the coming year. Then I started making friends and having a life.

Sad to say, the contents of every State of the Union speech are always leaked out ahead of time, so you can practically read the speech in the news before it is even given. And of course it hardly matters what's going on in the world that year, because the president is always going to touch on the same themes: we need more bipartisanship, we need to cut spending, we need a better life for all Americans, we need to be a beacon for freedom in the world. About a half hour of the speech is taken up by standing ovations by the president's party, and about twenty minutes are taken up by the opposition party scowling and smirking for the cameras. Then you get the opposition party's rebuttal afterwards, where he explains that the president is totally full of it.

I'm hoping one year we get some great surprises, such as any of the following:

1) One very bad curse word. And "ass", "damn" or "crap" don't count.

2) One pretty good impression of another famous politician or world leader.

3) One swig from a beer that was kept under the podium.

4) Just one product endorsement from the president. He can then point out that the Coca Cola Corporation is putting ten million dollars towards paying off our debt just for that.

5) The president showing up in a tux, and his first words being "I seriously was told that this would be black tie".

6) A good thirty minutes of the speech focusing entirely on his theory as to how the show "Lost" is going to end.

7) A promise to invade Canada, and then saying "I'm just making sure you're all listening."

8) At the end of the speech, point out that the guy giving the rebuttal afterwards is not wearing pants. This will force the rebuttal guy to prove that he is actually wearing pants, and will totally throw him off his speaking points.

9) Do the whole speech wearing sunglasses.

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