Easter Pasta Recipe

I don't normally write about cooking, as anything with instructions tends to bring back flashbacks to that P.O.W. camp. (The one I took a tour of with my fourth grade class, and man were there a lot of instructions and bitching from that teacher. Sometimes I still wake up screaming...) But yesterday for Easter dinner I tried a new concoction which I would highly recommend. I call it "Pasta Alla Brandonio". To make this, you'll have to follow the below steps with absolute precision. Or wing it a bit.

1) Gather a large onion, clump of garlic, two bell peppers, diced tomatoes, olive oil, sweet Italian sausage, squash, and bowtie pasta.

2) Fry the sausage into little bits. That splatter that lands on your feet will make you wish you weren't wearing flip flops. It'll keep you at attention.

3) Cut open the squash, then realize that squash really has no place in this recipe. Realize that squash is sort of like pumpkin in that it's got seeds, goo and a rind but you haven't the foggiest idea what to do with it. Put the squash back in the fridge.

4) Chop up the entire onion. For some reason, chopping the onion will make you tear up uncontrollably, even though this doesn't happen with any other vegetable. I believe this is because humans are descended from onions and we feel some sort of kinship when we chop them up.

5) Chop the garlic, yes it will give you that delicious garlic smell for your fingers.

6) Fry the onion and garlic with a bit of the olive oil, and add to the fried sausage.

7) Fry the peppers and tomatoes, also with a bit of oil, and then add that to the mix.

8) Start cursing because the water for the pasta is taking too damn long to boil. Goddam water.

9) Watch the pot of water, and curse the fact that it's not boiling while you're watching it. Then go look a gift horse in the mouth.

10) Finally, it boils, and you can cook the bowtie pasta for about ten minutes or until it sticks to the wall when you throw it at the wall. Your landlord will understand.

11) Add the sauce to the cooked and drained pasta, and serve!

This is an ideal dish to serve, as it can serve as few as two people and as many as ten. Will you smell of garlic the next day? Let your co-workers worry about that!