And all this time I wasn't aware that soccer was a left-wing plot! Apparently, Glenn Beck--who is the answer to the question "why can't I find right-wing pundits who don't have all that sanity getting in the way?"--is pushing this idea that the sport is being rammed down Americans' throats by a leftist media and their willing helpers in schools and little league organizations. Why would the liberal media take valuable time away from things like spreading lies about good conservatives and otherwise destroying America just to push this sport?
Quite simple, friends! Soccer is a sport that Americans don't dominate, unlike baseball and hockey and competitive eating . . . wait a minute! That last one! The Japanese must have been pushing competitive eating down our throats, pun intended, in order to make us sorry for Hiroshima! (And to be sure, I do feel some guilt about that--we easily could have nuked some less worthy country instead, like Greece, just to put the scare into the rest of the world. The Japanese, we now know, would have surrendered as long as we promised them fetish videos and car sales) And hockey? More like hokey! Hosers! Damn Canadian plot to destroy us and make us eat poutine (which is quite delicious, though fattening). And baseball is dominated by Dominicans.
Where oh where can I find a safe, Glenn Beck-approved sport that isn't part of some worldwide leftist plot to weaken our American resolve? How about Jell-O wrestling?