Thursday, June 3, 2010


Last night's film was "Them" (not to be confused with "Them!", the '50s giant ant movie), a french film about a young couple staying in the Romanian countryside who are being terrorized by a gang of masked intruders. The film is very similar to (and perhaps inspired) the American film "The Strangers" and it of course gave me the same gun-happy reaction. After all, a lot of problems could be solved with a 12-gauge. Think you're tough now, Mister Home Invader? Not so tough without all those internal organs, are you? Weep, freaktard! Weep over your missing organs!

On the whole, the film was well done--for most of it you don't see the tormenters, which is key with horror-suspense, as it gives you a sense of wonder and despair. The couple's reactions to what was happening to them were reasonable, and it is easy to care about them and hope they make it in the end. But I couldn't help but feel that so very many of their problems could be solved by putting on a lead convention, with VIP passes for the intruders. You know what they say--in a land without guns, the knife-owner is king. I don't want to live in that world!

If this movie were a documentary made in the future, covering a country weekend with my fambly where some intruders decided to attack us, the movie would be about six minutes long.

Intruders: Knock, knock! We're coming in to torment you!

Brando: Hey guys! Look what I picked up at the Charlton Heston Expo.

Intruders: Oh, crap!

[Scenes of almost cartoonish violence]

Brando: I hope my dogs don't mind extra lead in their intruders, because we're out of Alpo.

Yes I should totally be a screenwriter.

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