World Cup Primer

With soccer's World Cup about to begin, it would be helpful to answer some common questions about the sport and this competition, as to many Americans this is considered a foreign sport.

Q: Why do they call it "football" overseas when we Americans know that football is really supposed to involve tackling and cheerleaders and beer commercials?

A: Europeans know very well that their sport is called "soccer" and they call it "football" just to piss us off. Apparently they forget that we saved their asses in two world wars.

Q: How come it seems to always be some Latin-based country that wins the Cup, such as Italy, Brazil, or Puerto Rico?

A: Brazil isn't actually a country.

Q: Why is soccer not as popular in the United States as it is overseas?

A: Soccer is usually pushed on American kids at young ages, by fathers who are trying to re-live their own childhood glory through them. The trauma of having screaming fathers holler at their kids and coaches alike has made an unpleasant association with the sport as we grew older. We watch other sports on TV and drink beer to escape.

Q: How come you're not allowed to touch the ball with your hands?

A: The sport was obviously invented way back in the day before humans evolved hands. The first humans to develop hands were considered to have an unfair advantage, so no one was allowed to use them in the game. The rest is tradition.

Q: Is it true that some Central American countries riot and even start wars over soccer game results?

A: Yes, but in the sport's defense those countries didn't have any religious or ethnic or political differences--they had to come up with something to go to war over.

Q: Does the United States have a chance at winning this year's World Cup?

A: Sure! And the L.A. Clippers have a chance at winning next year's NBA Finals.