Friday, November 19, 2010

Food, Glorious Food

One of the great things about America is our abundance with food and our ability to flaunt that abundance in ways that can only make less fortunate peoples learn to hate us. Now, before you say "other countries only hate us for our freedoms!" think for a minute how ridiculous that is. Remember that kid in high school who had no curfew and no obligations and had all the freedom in the world? You didn't hate him because of his freedom. You hated him because he was a douchebag about it and wasn't cool about selling you weed.

How are we flaunting our abundance for all the world to see?

1) Stuffed crust pizza. At some point, someone said "this pizza doesn't have enough calories and fat. There's got to be a better way!" and their assistant said "but boss! We put cheese and meat and veggies on every square inch of surface! Where else can we put extra food on this thing??" And voila, the stuffed crust pizza was born.

2) Turkey. We have never accepted turkey on its own. Nope, we've managed to stuff it with stuffing (which is where stuffing gets its name!), and even other meats (duck, chicken, beef, spare ribs) because there's a part of Thanksgiving dinner where Uncle Joe says "whew, that wasn't bad turkey, but I'm STILL STARVING!" And baking the turkey isn't enough, no sir! We've found ways to deep fry and smoke turkeys for extra fattening goodness.

3) Hamburgers. Ah, the simple days when a McDonalds small hamburger was what an adult got with their fries and Coke. Then, this wasn't enough, and they created the "Big Mac"--a double decker burger! This was the greatest thing to come out of 1968, with the possible exception of the White Album. Wait, I take that back, the Big Mac is way better than the White Album. (Ducks as pairs of Beatle Boots are tossed at me). But then, that wasn't enough and the "Quarter Pounder With Cheese" came about. Now, we have the Angus Third Pounders, and we all know that it's only a matter of time before the "Pounder" becomes standard. Sadly, the Big Mac looks positively small on the menu these days.

4) State Fairs. They have now deep fried everything, including Coke and Bourbon. At least a deep fried potato could provide you essential starch--but now, it's all about that crazed sugar rush. My prediction for the next state fair entry? Deep fried deep fry. Yes, that's no typo--they will find a way to deep fry the batter with nothing else, since that's what we're getting to next.

5) Bacon bacon bacon! Yes, this brilliant bit of meat can serve as a topping (in "bit" form), a main course (as the meat for a BLT sammich), and even casing for any other food (bacon-wrapped anything). The Canadians have tried to keep up with us but their bacon is basically ham. Bacon also probably makes a good stuffing, but the folks don't let me do that for Thanksgiving.

So, we're a land of plenty, due in part to a massive farm belt, the best of farming techniques and generous federal subsidies that keep the prices low. If anything, our problem is how to cut back on fat, a problem that anyone who had to scrounge for a meal would consider a good problem to have. I guess I really shouldn't complain.

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