Snakes, The Pets That Cannot Love

What is it about weirdos and deadly animals? A home in North Carolina had to be evacuated when one of the residents was bitten by a venemous snake, and authorities found something like 60 snakes in the home. While I'd be the first person to say "get these motherf-ing snakes out of my motherf-ing home!", there just seems to be some strange attraction to having things in the house that can kill you. (The article mentions the snakes as "exotic", and by that I don't think they mean French or Spanish. Instead, this means "from some deadly jungle country where they breed scorching death on a regular basis").

I sort of get owning a dog, as dogs constantly shower you with affection even if you're a dolt. And cats, well, cats are evil, but cat owners at least labor under the misbelief that they're cuddly and sweet. (And an un-neutered cat at least will hunt a lot, ridding the property of pests. A neutered cat, on the other hand, is basically like your stoner roommate.) I even sort of get rodents, because they're furry and you can pet them sometimes. Birds? At least they make noises and you can pretend they're talking to you.

But snakes? They're not furry, they'll only eat things you put in their tank, and they're light on conversation. The most interesting thing that will ever happen with your pet snake is it'll try to kill you. Granted, owning a snake might impress that weird chick who works at the record store, but just try bringing Mr. Scaly down to the strip mall without getting an earful from the mall cop.

When will people realize that snakes belong only on strippers and zoos?