1) New York Plates. Hi, I'm super aggressive because six different people have been rude to me today. Steer clear.
2) California. I really have no idea where I am right now.
3) Maine. I'm going rather slow, because 90% of the time when I'm driving it's on snow so I always drive this way. Please just go around me.
4) Texas. If you're smart you won't tailgate me. I'm better armed than most third world militaries.
5) Florida. I'm as well armed as the Texan but coked up, so if I'm tailgating you, it's wise to pull over into a ditch until I pass.
6) New Jersey. I've got the same personality issues as the New York driver, but without the skills. If you see a traffic jam, there's a good chance I started it.
7) Maryland. I really don't belong in a car, and my driving proves it.
8) Virginia. I plan to cut you off just so I can slow down again. Oh, how whimsical I am! Aren't I a hoot?
9) Massachusetts. They don't call us "Massholes" for nothing. We aspire to be as obnoxious as the New York driver.
10) Michigan. There's good reason you see me outside of Michigan on your roads right now. If you were from Michigan you'd drive the hell out of there too.
11) DC. Please ignore my passive aggressive plate that complains about how we're taxed and yet don't have a vote in Congress. And let's hope any Puerto Ricans who see this can appreciate the irony.
12) Alaska. Give me some slack. This is the first time in years I've encountered another car on the road.