I'm Gonna Buy The Redskins

Being in DC now, I have big plans to start saving money to buy the Washington Redskins from evil owner Dan "I'm a doofus loser moron worse than Hitler" Snyder so that the team can be rooted for once again. However, there are a number of changes that need to be made:

1) Move them back into the District, or at least Arlington. Landover Maryland is actually harder to get to for DC residents than the Baltimore Ravens stadium, since at least the latter can be reached by train (and is walkable to Baltimore's downtown). What about Maryland Redskin fans? Fuck them. Except my friend Mike and his wife, they're okay. But they should move.

2) Change the name. Seriously, Redskins? Yeah, I know, tradition. Well, slavery was a tradition too and all we have to show for it is the movie Roots and I still haven't even seen that. Slavery sucks! So does naming your team after a pejorative aimed at the most downtrodden minority group in the country, which has almost no presence in the DC area. What name would I go with? Crabs. The Washington Crabs! It's awesome, since crabs are delicious and real local to the Chesapeake Bay region.

3) Rename the Stadium. None of this Fed Ex Field crap, or whatever corporation Snyder whored the name out to. Just for that, Snyder, I'm changing it to the "Dan Snyder's A Fuckwad Stadium". I'll save up extra money to fight his legal suit over that.