Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Plan Omega

So my friend Don Marco has been having trouble at the new job--not with anything job related, but rather with some food pilfering co-worker! Trouble is he doesn't know who's been stealing his food, only that he'd be missing half a sandwich or a Red Bull.

Now first, Red Bull? Seriously? Is this new office the cab of a long-haul truck? I doubt it, since Mark can't drive stick shift, so that leaves only one other possibility--he is working in a big-city nightclub that hosts "raves" on a constant basis! His Red Bull must be necessary to keep him dancing all night, with glo-sticks and sparkles and some zombied out looking chicks. Just one word of advice, Mark--lay off the Bolivian Marching Powder! It has destroyed bigger men.

But this gets away from our point--what to do about a thieving co-worker? My solution has often been to eat things that no one in their right mind would steal (plate of beans, some microwavable fish, random mystery meat--this also has the effect of ruining the kitchen for everyone. It's part of my "scorched earth" theory of workplace dynamics). But presumably Don Marco wants to eat delicious things like peanut butter and marshmallow sandwiches, washed down with a sugary energy drink that would make any mother proud. So that leaves the nefarious Plan Omega.

Plan Omega was invented by Philip of Macedon when he'd go to battle, only to return to find his fridge was beset by marauding Spartans who'd eat his choiciest sandwiches. Eager to set an example for his brilliant and possibly homosexual son Alexander, Philip would put a lot of pimentos and jalapenos in the sandwich, and then when he saw a Spartan walking around sweating from the mouth from this foul sandwich, it would be a simple matter for Philip to behead the man. Problem solved.

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