After watching Ted Mikels "Astro Zombies" it occurred to me that there's really no such thing as an idea too dumb to make a movie out of. Remember this is the guy who brought us "The Girl in the Gold Boots" which made Leslie McRae a household name, at least in her own household. So I got to thinking, if I were in the shoes of a talented director like Mikels, what would I put in a movie to make it a smash hit?
Start with the title. The working title would be "Psycho Jesus and the Pirate Hookers" but when it reaches theaters we'd need something classier, like "From Here to Tomorrow" or "Eternity Forever" or "Night Never Falls". Then the art-house set will be sold, guaranteeing some early cash in the big cities. But how to make this play in the suburban cineplexes where Joe Lunchpail wants to shell out $10 a pop?
I wouldn't put Gwynth Paltrow in it because she sucks and has a face that looks like she got into a boxing match with a bear. I'd try maybe Cate Blanchett since she has Oscar chops, and that just means I'd have to wait for her to hit a long career slump and will be desperate enough to appear in my movie. Cate's pretty matronly so I'd cast her as the "ma bear" of the Pirate Hookers (yeah you can see what sort of movie this is going to be). For sex appeal, I'd toss in Eliza Dushku and Jessica Alba (two women desperately in need of a career comeback and without enough judgment to realize that my movie won't get them the Palm D'Or at Cannes. Scantily clad, you ask? You already know the answer to that!
For the male lead, I'd toss in Eric Bana because he's got good range and he's part of that "Australian Mafia" that includes Naomi Watts and Russell Crowe and Xena the Warrior Princess--so at least we'd have some star power at the movie premiere (and this could be my chance to get to Naomi). Bana needs something to shoot him to the A-list, so maybe he could play Psycho Jesus.
Now, why are we having Jesus come back from the grave to wreak havoc on the world? Well, first we need something that will be controversial enough to get all the Christians to boycott it and give us free publicity. But second, this might be just the thing to create some genuine religious debate, which might just--possibly--get the much-needed sequel to the Bible written. (More on this in a later post)
Now I just need to think of a plot. But consider this film in pre-pre-production.
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