Playing By My Own Rules

I've often heard that people admire a man who "plays by his own rules". I mean, who doesn't admire such a free spirit? Hell, it doesn't even matter if the rules are completely arbitrary and pointless, just so long as they're his own! I've come up with some random rules I'm going to start playing by:

1) Anyone using a clever expression like "don't bite the hand of the gift horse" or "this isn't rocket surgery" is automatically clever enough to earn themselves a beer.

2) Anyone who asks me about abortion will get an answer--but the answer will be about gun control.

3) Greeks. Can't trust them, never will. If I meet a Greek that I like, I'm going to pretend s/he is Lebanese.

4) Never, EVER eat chicken on a Tuesday.

5) If you have a bumper sticker on your car, I won't key it. But I might pay some street urchin to do so.

6) Wearing flip flops for your night on the town? If you're not in Florida, then that's a foot-stomping. Sorry, it's the rules.

7) Flavored bottled water is from here on out to be referred to as "weak juice".

8) No granola and pizza in the same day. Ever.