In honor of Valentines Day, the most destructive day of the year ever since they cancelled Exploding Easter, let's run down the ingredients of any truly horrible romantic comedy:
1) The "meet cute". This is where I suppose the two romantic leads meet in some overly comical way. Look, they are both trying to mug the same victim! I bet these crazy kids will never make it!
2) Cheesy opening theme song. "This Old Heart of Mine" by the Isley Brothers is a great candidate. "It Takes Two" by Marvin Gaye and Kim Weston is also great, in the sense that you will ice pick your own eyes out when you hear it.
3) Overly career-driven woman and overly carefree guy. Look, his hair is mussed up and he has a cute job like cartoon coloring artist! Look, she wears fancy designer suits and is always stomping around trying to make deadlines! I can't imagine those two making it work!
4) The sassy friend. It used to be a perfect role for an overweight black woman, who can talk about kicking things to the curb, and other general sassyness. These days though the overweight black woman is being eclipsed by the new kid in town--the gay best friend. Oh, and this gay best friend can only be the best friend to the woman, not the guy. Somehow, Hollywood has not accepted the idea of straight guys having gay best friends.
5) Matthew McConnaughy, Sandra Bullock, or Katherine Heigl. One of them has to be in it.
6) Millions of people dragged to see these movies, losing their collective lunches in theaters around the country.