Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentines Day, Bah Humbug!

Today marks yet another Valentines Day, which happens to be the holiday with the most potential for pure evil and destruction compared to every other holiday with the exception of Reverse Arbor Day. This day suffers from landing right in the weary days of winter, it reminds the singles that they are alone, and forces the coupled to make some gesture that seems forced rather than spontaneous. Whoever decided to make Valentines Day a thing had probably done so in between torturing small animals and inventing romantic "comedies". May they rot in hell!

(I note it is also the birthday of a good buddy of mine. Happy birthday good buddy!)

Valentines Day, however, doesn't have to be the force of destruction that it usually turns into. Here are some key steps:

1) Single folks need to band together to celebrate "Single Appreciation Day" on this day, where they gather together and drink beer and watch movies. Celebrating friendship and independence is a good elixir to those incessant candy hearts that appear at CVS for the past month.

2) Coupled folks should have a nice meal at home. Restaurants notoriously are crowded and have their "Valentines Specials" where they jack up the prices to rip off people facing the high pressure of increased expectations. At home, they never lose your reservation, and the flower vendor doesn't come by your table to pressure you into buying a nearly-dead rose by putting you on the spot in front of your special lady.

3) Absolutely boycott romantic comedies that tend to come out at this time of year. The only way the studios will stop making this dreck is if we stop pretending to like it! Go watch Saw IX instead. Chances are, you'll see a human heart at some point in the film!

4) Yes, I know that this means Matthew McConnaughy will have to go back to delivering pizzas if the romantic comedy industry breaks down. Look on the bright side--he'll probably sell you weed when he comes to drop off your order!

None of this is to say you should ignore your special lady/gentleman caller. Obviously, getting them candy and doing something special for them is always nice--it just shouldn't be relegated to some day designated by the card industry.

1 comment:

  1. In Finland they celebrate Valentine's Day as a friendship day. I learned that last weekend when trying to explain Groundhog Day to a small group of foreigners.