Monday, May 7, 2012

Advice for Politicians

When I get critical of today's politicians, the usual retort I get from mouth-breathers is "oh yeah?  Garble garble mush mush" which doesn't make any sense, but then a halfway intelligent person steps in and says "what Mongo here is trying to say is what would you do differently, smart guy?"  Glad you asked, halfway intelligent person!  Here's where my unconventional leadership would shine:

1) I'd avoid any easy labels like "Reagan Republican" or "Clinton-style Democrat".  Everyone uses those labels!  I'd instead offer myself up as a "Gerald Ford Republican" and when people ask what that means I'd say "I'm planning to pardon the hell out of lawbreaking former presidents.  So Bill Clinton, this is your chance to do that crime spree."

2) If my opponent calls me a Social Darwinist I'd retort that they're an anti-social Darwinist and their parties suck.  While they're reeling from this and trying to figure out what that just meant I'd say "any day now, Poindexter!"

3) When I get called before a congressional committee, I'd flip the questions around on the committeemen by asking for their IDs because there's a rumor going around that some rogue miscreats are around town posing as congressional commitees and I want to make sure they are who they say they are.  After they produce their drivers' licenses, I'd ask for a second form of ID to be certain, and of course they all won't be carrying passports so we'd basically use up all their allotted time arguing over their IDs.

4) When meeting foreign dignitaries I'd establish dominance by calling them by the wrong name and asking if they're sure that the countries they say they're from are really independent nations, because there's a lot of scams going around where colonizers trick countries into thinking they've been made independent and they totally weren't.

5) On all treaties and laws, I'd sign the name of the previous president, just to see if that makes it good law.  At the very least, it'd give the Supreme Court something to work on.

6) When giving televised addresses from the Oval Office, I'd time it so instead of having to pre-empt TV shows I'd be speaking only during the commercials. 

7) I'd happily expropriate the catchphrases from long-ago campaigns, because retro is back, baby.  So in debates, I'll say "There you go again!  Where's the beef?  You're no Jack Kennedy!"  There's just no way to respond to that.

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