Thursday, May 31, 2012

Time to Smuggle Soda in From Jersey

I've always enjoyed taking trips to NYC, to visit friends and fambly, but also to enjoy the great and varied food that the huge city has to offer.  Generations of immigrants and a massive customer base have resulted in one of the top food locations in the country (beating out other great food cities, like New Orleans, Chicago, San Francisco and Philadelphia). 

So what does this have to do with the fact that Lord and Keeper Of All That's Good, Mayor Bloomberg, is now imposing restrictions on the sale of sugary soft drinks?  Let's just follow the logic here.

Bloomberg, like all elite politicians who can afford personal trainers and assistants, sees the obesity problem in this country and says "clearly people are weak, and they eat and drink unhealthy things because they're not as enlightened as me, so let's just restrict what they can consume so they'll be left with healthier options!"  After all, that massively overweight guy who has to ride around on a scooter will find that without being able to buy a large soda he will stick to carrot juice instead.  Right?

Wrong!  Anyone who truly loves soda enough to buy it by the tub will just buy multiple smaller cans.  Or, as Bloomberg hopes, they'll learn to make do with smaller drinks of the empty caloried stuff.

But let's say Bloomberg's initiative is successful, measured in noticeable health effects for NYers and that this can be traced to the soda restriction.  Why stop there?  Pizza, which is in my opinion the one thing NYC does better than anywhere else in the world, is also a calorie-laden food that shouldn't be eaten in excess.  Why not ban slices above a certain size, or purchases of more than one slice at a time?  Why not shut down fondue restaurants and iced cream parlors?  Hell, beer is also a lot of calories--maybe ban that in any size above an 8oz can.  Who cares if the city's food industry suffers?  We can get everyone thin and healthy, through sheer force!

Don't stop there though.  Most people are fat due to lack of exercise, and a part of this is taking cabs for short distance when they can clearly walk.  Women can learn to carry a bag with sneakers if their high heels are uncomfortable for a ten block walk.  Elevators can be programmed (by law!  Bloomberg wills it!) so that they do not stop at the lobby except for handicapped passengers, so that people can walk a couple flights before riding up the rest of the way.  Escalators?  Ban 'em! 

After all, why should people be allowed to make their own unhealthy choices when their political leaders clearly know what's best for them?


  1. The lord high mayor hizzonor can kiss my ass.

  2. As long as it's a low calorie ass!

  3. Right on Bran. This is the dumbest thing Bloomberg has done yet--and I generally like the man. You can't legislate health because people will always find a way to imbibe. And if they take away my pizza, I'm moving to Canada.

  4. Dad, it's the slippery slope argument in action. Eventually they always go too far.