Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Looks Like Stupid Has a New God

There's stupid, there's weapons-grade stupid, and then there's what I'd like to call "Re-make of Red Dawn Stupid"--a new level that very few things can ever sink to the depths of.  It is hard for my regularly functioning brain to fathom the extremes of horrible that are inherent in what is planned for this particular re-make. 

Let's pretend for a moment that you're a Hollywood executive.  You're already a craven, lowly worm of a being, and just spent the morning eating babies and stomping on kittens to pay tribute to your Dark Lord, and now you need to push out a movie to sell to the public which you assume are all stupid (see, success of "Transformers" franchise--but also see failure of "Battleship").  Because taking a risk on a new story idea goes against why you went into the movie business (which of course is cold hard cash and the ability to strangle hookers without ever getting arrested) you decide to do a remake of an old hit.  Rather than a remake that needs to be done (like "Smokey and the Bandit", or "Exorcist") you decide to pick an already dumb, implausible film about awful liberal peaceniks agreeing to total disarmament and causing the sneaky Soviets to forget about grain shortages and alchoholism for a few minutes so they can invade the United States, starting in landlocked Colorado because that's not totally stupid or anything.  Wolverines!  Yes, I'm talking about re-making the already horrible "Red Dawn". 

But wait!  The Soviets don't exist anymore, and the "public" you want to appeal to will not be able to fathom an alternate reality that took place during the Soviet era!  They might choke on their popcorn while yelling at the screen, and then you'll have to pay medical bills and have less money left for hunting homeless people for sport!  What do do?

Well, there's always the Chinese, the largest rival power to the U.S., also an economic and military powerhouse.  Sure, our military is still far superior to theirs, but with those damn liberals cutting the military and conservatives not being willing to actually fund it, it's possible the Chinese could catch up.  So let's make the Chinese the enemy, and have them invade us because we defaulted on our Treasury bonds that they hold, or something.  Perfect!

But wait.  Looks like China is buying some serious stakes in the film industry!  Can't dare to offend our new masters, so let's just change the enemy in post-production to the North Koreans.  Never mind that the Norks are basically eating tree bark these days, and their plywood rockets can't launch properly, and the idea of their army taking over even a shopping mall is pretty ludicrous.  The mindlessness of the original film can now be eclipsed.  But why not just have Zimbabwe ally with the Norks, to make it a bit more sporting?

I suppose it's far scarier that our primary propaganda industry--film--is so under the thumb of China that we are in perpetual fear of offending these new masters.  Someone should make a movie about that.

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