Friday, May 18, 2012

Battleship is Battleshi**y

I'm not planning to see the movie "Battleship" because my brain is still at least partly alive, but having read this review which describes the major plot points, I can say there's no way this turkey is going to do anything more than give a soulsucking major Hollywood studio a nice tax writeoff for 2012.  In a nutshell, the film actually features gum-pop singer Rihanna in an acting role, for crying out loud.  I honestly can't read past that. 

Or maybe I can.  The film also has something to do with aliens, and naval vessels, and what is this I don't even.  Not to disparage the heroics of naval warfare, but ever since the fall of Japan there just hasn't been much in the way of major naval engagement.  If we stupidly attack Iran, the most action our naval vessels will see is picking off speedboats loaded with TNT before they can get within a mile of any of our craft. 

Could something better have been done with the rights to "Battleship" board game?  How about a film where some evil crazy terrorist is holding the president hostage, and forcing him to play the game "Battleship" with him?  Picture this dialogue:

President: You're quite mad, you know. 

Terrorist: Mad like a fox!  A-6.

President: Miss.  I have to say, this is far better than Chutes and Ladders.

Terrorist: Chutes and Ladders is a decadent game for apostates!  B-4.

President: Hit.  Can we do Hungry Hungry Hippos after this?  We should have enough time for one more game before the Delta Force Commandos bust in here and shoot you in the head.

Add a bunch of tense closeups, and a love triangle, maybe a car chase through D.C. that can give locals a chance to point out the inaccuracies of having Georgetown right next to the Capitol, and you have yourself a movie. 

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