Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Tips for Naming Children

People often come up to me and say "please bless my children, oh Dark One" (I get that a lot, especially when I have a goattee).  Seeing as I don't actually have magical powers, I generally decline, and the followup request is that I suggest a good name for their newborn children.  What can I say, I have a gift for nomenclature!  It was my idea to name a colony in Maine that was made up of migrants from Newfoundland.  We called it "Newnewfoundland."  Anyway, here are some top drawer baby name ideas:

1) If you want your kid to think he's British: Nigel, Julian, Declan, or Rupert.  When he's 18, you can tell him he was born in Muskogee--he'll be so surprised he'll drop his monocle into his crumpets.

2) If you want your kid to think the family is secretly rich: Constance, Abigail, Harrison, Tripper, Spencer, Mitt.  When they're 25, and expecting to get their trust fund handed over to them, you can sit them down, break out the cigars and scotch, and tell them you really really need to borrow $8.50 and will totally pay it back in a month.

3) If you want your kid to think her parents are morons: Blue Ivy.

4) If you want your kid to grow up hating and resenting you: Dakota, Serrah, Madison, DuQuan, Daffidth.  Make sure there's always a locked door between you and this kid who has very good reason to murder you in your sleep.

5) If you want your kid to remind you of what you love most: Bud, Amber, Porter, Al(e), Jack, or Guinness.  You'll be needing plenty of these things when the kid hits the terrible twos.

6) If you're new to this country and English is your second language so you already have an exotic last name and don't need to weird it up like ho-hum folks do: John, Mary, Steve, Michelle, Frank.

7) If you are a half-wit former Alaskan governor: Togg, Trunk, Trogg, Tuff, Klunk, and Frugg.

8) If you want your kid to be one of those kids who gets a Chinese-looking tattoo on their leg that they think means "rare flower" but really means "hold the MSG": Paige, Shasta, Brynn.

9) If you want to make sure your kid never gets a job writing children's books: Attila, Genghis, Sarpedon, Pharaoh.


  1. Re. #9, Atilla and Genghis are common Turkish names. (Though the latter is spelled Çingiz. Sometimes it's combined with another name to make Çingizhan, which is - you guessed it! - Genghis Khan.)

  2. Eek! This is why Turks can't get jobs writing children's books.