Tuesday, August 14, 2012

I Don't Always Beat Children, But When I Do I Use Dorito Bags Full of Glass.

I'm not an expert on child-rearing, as my solutions to misbehaving kids basically come down to "you want to watch TV?  I don't think they can hook up a TV in the salt mines" and "here's a belt, go hit yourself with it because I'm too tired to discipline you".  And as they say, all theories on disciplining kids go right out the window the minute you see that the little hellions are microwaving the houseplants.  But I think I can say pretty safely that this lady is worse than me. 

We all know the story--your five year old kid is playing videogames instead of cleaning out the hay loft like any good Depression-era child, so you have to do something about it.  After all, video games rot the mind!  Specially that Pac-Man and his race of Pac-Men, and the sexually suggestive Pac-Girl with her bow and eyeliner.  Okay, the obvious solution here is to hit your kid with something, because when you're beating a five year old you can't harm your bare hands.  So you go to the usual place to find something to hit your kid with.  Such as the garbage.

So this mother-of-the-year candidate goes to the garbage, ostensibly to grab a Dorito bag to hit her son with, because hey why not?  Doesn't Emily Post's Guide to Etiquette For Fancy Types have a chapter on which Dorito bag to use to whip your kid with?

As it turns out, the bag used to hit the kid turned out to be full of broken glass.  Whoops!  You just smacked a kid with a bag-o-glass!  That'll show up on the therapy bills down the road!

Fortunately, the mother was taken into custody, and hopefully she'll either get some counselling to learn that bags of glass aren't proper child-rearing tools, or otherwise the kid will stand a better chance at life by being raised by wild squirrels or something.

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