Monday, August 13, 2012

Red Dawn? More Like Red Dumb!

Someone must have complained that Hollywood films haven't lately featured enough xenophobic flagwaving to mix into their usual cocktail of pants-wettingly retarded storylines, because the upcoming re-make of "Red Dawn" has clearly answered the call.  To call the idea behind this film stupid would be an insult to the guy who poked his eye out trying to eat with a fork with his eyes closed.  There is absolutely everything wrong with this film and its very existence makes me think it's about to invent time-travel so I can go back in time and strangle the guy who invented moving pictures just so that something like this can never exist.  (Sorry, "Godfather" and "Casablanca", the baby has to go out with the bathwater on this one)

Why is the re-make of "Red Dawn" so aboslutely horrible that I wish this film could catch Ebola and die a painful flesh-eating death?  Let me count the ways:

1) The original moronic film featured the Soviets and their Cuban buddies invading our country via Colorado which means the enemy somehow got through Texas without getting shot by hillbillies.  Difficult to believe, but okay--I also enjoyed "Face/Off" so not a dealbreaker.  The re-make had some complications, though--Russia today isn't really our enemy and that country is already being defeated by vodka, so we need a new enemy.  Hey, China's pretty big, and powerful!  Let's pretend they decide to invade because we're not paying our Treasury bills that we owe them!  But wait, the studio behind this mess is so craven and moneysucking that they don't want to risk offending Chinese audiences, so that won't work.  Hey, I know!  Let's get somehow invaded by a tiny country that is so poor they have pioneered cuisine based on bark and grass.  North Korea!

2) Eek, the U.S. just done got invaded!  This, despite our nuclear arsenal, massive and well-stocked military, and geographic distance from any real foes until Canada gets pissed that we keep winning the Stanley Cup.  What can possibly save us from this tiny, starving, bark-eating army of invaders?  Oh I know, a bunch of high school kids!

3) Ok, actually the idea of North Korea's wretched army getting bested by American high schoolers--who, let's face it, have plenty of experience with firearms--is sort of believable. 

I guess I can't get past the idea of North Korea invading us.  How does that country--with China bordering its north and South Korea bordering its south--even get out of its geographic vise in order to strike at the U.S.?  Did they have a superb navy that we just didn't notice?  Here are some less stupid scenarios that I could think up:

1) We get invaded by the British.  It turns out that the Treaty of Ghent--which ended the War of 1812--was not properly signed, so it's back on, baby!  The Royal Navy steams up the Potomac, strikes the White House, and the Canadians invade via Detroit which no one notices because it's Detroit.

2) We get invaded by India.  An international incident is touched off by the fact that New Delhi just caught on that the "Simpsons" was making fun of their accents with the Apu character, so they retaliate first by having all their tech support people give us the wrong instructions and screw up our power grid.  Then they use the super-powerful North Korean navy that I just heard about to invade via the Pacific. 

3) The Japanese, Chinese and Indians all go to war with the United States, because power balance or something.  Sadly, this incredibly stupid scenario is the actual plot of Tom Clancy's "Sum of All Fears."

No comments:

Post a Comment