Thursday, August 30, 2012

Pizza Now Squirts. Oh, Good!

Few things flame my broiler as badly as horrible things being done in the creation of "pizza".  I use quote marks around "pizza" for two reasons--first, I love quote "marks" even "where" they don't make "any" sense.  And second, because once you've done something horrible to a pizza, it no longer remains a "pizza" but becomes some monstrosity that is an affront to both God and Satan at the same time, which is admittedly quite a feat.

Here are some of the horrible pizza-destroying things:

1) Add broccoli, tofu, or any other weird-ass hippie thing as a topping.  Just call it a salad, because you can't really ruin a salad.

2) Deep-dishing it.  Chicagoans have a lot going against them--cold winters, political corruption, and a murder rate that makes Iraq look good.  They really don't need to go the extra mile by creating an open-face tomato and cheese pot pie and calling it "pizza".

3) Fruit.  I like fruit, when it's fresh at least.  But fruit should never be anywhere near a pizza.  Like a kosher kitchen, certain things need to remain completely separate.  And pineapple is one of the more popular fruits to ruin a "pizza."  What sort of nut likes pineapple served hot and baked anyway?

Then, notorious pizzology violator "Pizza Hut" decided a while back that making sub-par pizza wasn't enough.  No, the "Hut" decided to stick a big middle finger at the sky and put hamburgers and chicken nuggets on pizza in the Middle East, as though that region didn't have enough problems already, and now is creating the biggest disaster to hit the Malay Peninsula since the British lost Singapore to the Japanese.  Yes, I'm talking about "squirting crust pizza." 

Hey, remember that time you were eating bad pizza with your friends, and one of them said "you know what I'd love right now?  I'd love for this pizza to shoot cheese and sauce out on my face and burn it a bit"?  You don't?  Well maybe that's because you're not a raging Malaysian lunatic, which is apparently the target demographic for this terrible idea. 

No comments:

Post a Comment