Tuesday, August 7, 2012

National Mall "Improvements"

Surely I can't be the only D.C. resident who looks forward to an end to the reconstruction of the National Mall.  My frequent jaunts across "the nation's front yard"--which, much like any front yard, has far too many damn teenagers cutting across it!--have meant several months of unsightly chain link fences and giant piles of dirt.  As far as I can tell, the "upgraded" Mall is going to still look like, well, a field, but something something drainage something something environment.  Major yawns here, people!

Related to this is the renovations of the Mall's reflecting pool, which apparently is going to cost $34 million, in order to make the water in the pool circulate so it isn't a stagnant smelly mess packed with seagull guano.  Can I think of better ways to spend $34 million?  You bet I can!  Dump chlorine in the damn thing, let people wade in it, and hire some security guards for $10 an hour to chase off any hippies who try to use it for a toilet.  Problem solved, National Parks Service!

Of course, my very cheap option involves letting the whole space go back to nature.  Let the reflecting pool become a pond, and the rest of the Mall can be a mix of untamed pasture (maybe with some National Goats to feed on it, again chasing away hippies) and the trees may multiply and create a neat forested space.  How majestic to see the Washington Monument poking out from above the treetops!

"But wait!" you cry, "if the National Mall goes to nature, how will we see things like big protest rallies and similar gatherings?"  You say this like it's a bug, not a feature!  So Lou "I Cover Up My Crazy With Bigotry" Farrakhan and the Promise Keepers (whatever happened to them anyway?) have to find a smaller park to rally in.  Hell, that's better for them anyway--it'll look better attended if they have a smaller space to meet.

Sure, there might be a few kite festivals and hackeysack tournaments cancelled, and creepy guys with guitars will have to find another place to try and pick up fast women.  But that's a small price to pay for building the Nation's Untended Back Yard.

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