Wednesday, October 21, 2009

How to Spot a Werewolf

A few years back, I remember walking from bar to bar in Portland when a friend of mine noticed the full moon, and for no particular reason I said to her "now would be a good time to tell you I suffer from werewolfism so you might want to watch out if I start foaming at the mouth". Rather than ignore this, since of course werewolves are mythological, she pointed out that in fact she had seen me on many full moon nights without transforming into any animal whatsoever, and therefore it was likely that I was not a werewolf at all. I remember thinking wow, she put more thought into that line of conversation than it deserved.

But with the end of the month approaching, we should all be aware that the moon affects many things, besides ocean tides, menstrual cycles (sorry ladies!) and lunacy (hence the root word, "luna" which is Latin for white fish). Is it possible that some friends among us suffer from werewolfism? One of my college roommates had an intense amount of back hair--he is of Iranian descent--but far as I could tell he didn't roam the streets slaughtering prey once a month. Or maybe he did--I wasn't the boss of him! But look for the following warning signs if you're afraid that a friend or loved one is a werewolf:

1) Comes over to your house and spends more time with your dog than you're comfortable with.

2) When you're having a cookout, he asks if he can just eat the steaks raw and unseasoned.

3) When you go target shooting with him, he keeps asking you to assure him that none of the ammunition you're using has any silver in it.

4) He listens to far too much Warren Zevon.

5) Every time you want to be buzzed in to his apartment, he asks whether there are any townspeople with torches trying to come in with you.


  1. Zipcode--I can neither confirm or deny that!

  2. I am beginning to think you have some obession with werewolfs. It might be because we grew up in the sticks and it could be easy to grow up thinking these creatures actually did exist or that Teen Wolf had more of an impact on you than we think.

  3. DF--all I can say is that when society falls and the werewolves rise up, the government will come to me since they have no other place to go.

  4. Sort of like in that fine film classic Transformers 2. Good point Mr. Brando.

  5. Lycanthropism may be the word you're looking for.

    All those letters and it's only four syllables, though. Damn!

    I do like that Warren Zevon song..

  6. Something tells me he watched a Teen Wolf marathon over the weekend.

  7. DF--everyone needs their apocalypse contingency plan. I have plans A, B and C.

    J--maybe we should have nicknamed you "Harvard"! Good research!

    Zipcode--actually I do need to watch that again...

  8. I am a werewolf. you want proof? look at me. hey Brando, are you one? P.s. i am a girl.