Ever have one of those special occasions where you need to write just the right sort of thing on a card? Where you want to say just the right thing, but don't have the wordsmithing to do it? Well, fortunately I was an English Major, in that I majored in something at a college that was located in an English-speaking country. So my gift to you, my readers, is a set of some heartfelt words that apply in any occasion. Just write them in your special card!
1) "As a parent, you're much better than that lady who beat her kids with wire hangers. Even if you didn't win an Oscar."
2) "I'm sorry your pet turtle died. I'm sure it had nothing to do with your neglect as a pet owner."
3) "If I had to get kicked in the balls, it would be an honor if you were the one who did it."
4) "Congratulations on getting married. Hopefully your new husband will quit grabbing my ass at parties."
5) "Happy Bar Mitzvah. You should really trade those stock certificates for some lap dances while they're still worth something."
6) "There's never a good time to mention this, but your recently deceased father owed me a lot of money. And this funeral doesn't look cheap."
7) "Happy Baptism! I'm sure that dollop of water from a celibate man in a robe will be enough to keep your kid from going to hell."
8) "Happy wedding of your daughter! Since you're Sicilian and cannot refuse any requests today, I really need my car waxed. You might want to take off that tux first."
9) "Happy 50th Wedding Anniversary! Though if you don't count the three years you abandoned your family for the stripper in Reno, it's really your 47th."
10) "Happy graduation! Fuck you."