Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Where's My Damn Parade???

Ah, Earth Day, a special day which . . . I can't pretend to be the slightest bit excited about. For me, every day that I don't dump sludge in the river is Earth Day. But am I asking for a parade?

Yes. I should have a parade, and it's about time. Think about the people who have had parades in their honor--

a) St. Patrick. The guy wasn't even Irish! He just tricked a bunch of pagans into becoming Christian. I could totally do that, except I'd do one thing different--change "Jesus" to "Weezie" so that centuries later tourists are wondering why they keep seeing bumper stickers in that country that read "You have a friend in Weezie" and "Weezie Saves". The American tourists would think the country was full of Jeffersons fans.

b) Columbus. He landed on an island that was already inhabited, and discovered it for another country. Guess what? I just did that--I "discovered" Virginia for the state of Maine. Hey Mainers! I am here in "New Maine" and setting up our colony. Bring beer.

c) Thanksgiving. Admittedly, this is just an excuse for Macy's to put up big floats. Surely they can do the same for the Parade du Brandeau (as they'll celebrate it in France, alongside Mickey Rourke and Jerry Lewis festivals).

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