Friday, June 5, 2009

Quantum of Solace--Worst Bond Title Ever???

Having just seen the latest James Bond film I'm reminded of the many rules that guide the films:

1) If you sleep with James Bond, congratulations--you're one of two women to do so in the film. That means you have a 50% chance of ending up with him at the end of the film, and a 50% chance of getting horribly killed. Keep in mind though this also spares Bond the awkwardness of having both women confront him in the end for his womanizing.

2) If you sleep with Bond and end up with him by the end of the film, don't get too comfortable because you'll be forgotten by the next film.

3) If you're the bad guy's top henchman, don't worry--you won't be killed in some boring way like getting shot by a stray bullet or trapped in a burning building. You'll get a long fight sequence with Bond, in which you nearly kill him before he finds some ingenious and clever way to dispatch you.

4) If you're a Bond ally, this would be a good time to make sure your life insurance policy covers getting murdered. Unless you're Felix Leiter in which case you can be sure you won't get to do anything fun because the CIA sort of plays second fiddle to the British Secret Service.

5) While the Americans may have built up the world's most powerful military and largest economy, it's the British who are handling all the world's supervillains. It's a fair trade that Roosevelt and Churchill worked out at the Yalta Conference.

6) Secret agents under deep cover often go around without disguising themselves in any way, and introduce themselves by their actual names--"Bond, James Bond."

7) When meeting James Bond--who has just introduced himself as such--the bad guy and his henchmen won't simply whip out guns and blow him to pieces. Instead, the bad guy and Bond will try to get into some game of wits and double entendres at some high school level (like "your lady friend there came quite easily....IN BED!!!") because really, why break up a nice party?

8) While most other British civil servants have had to deal with salary freezes and budget cutbacks, secret service agents have lived well on caviar and vodka martinis and drive really nice cars. This is because instead of spending their time analyzing intelligence and living among the population in hostile countries, they have to infiltrate exclusive clubs and casinos in Monte Carlo, where real supervillains reside.

9) The real threats in the world are not religious extremists, crazed North Korean dictators or oil-rich despots. The real threats are very wealthy men with groups of mercenary henchmen who are trying laughably unworkable plots to do stupid things like blow up the moon with giant laser cannons or explode a radioactive device in the world's gold supply even though the world hasn't been on the gold standard since the 1930s.

10) When Bond has located the bad guy, or his headquarters, the British don't send in the Special Air Service or the Royal Marines to blow the hell out of him. Instead, Bond has to do it himself (sometimes with the help of the remaining surviving lady friend). This is because the British spent so much on gadgets and martinis that they have no money left to support full scale military operations.

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