Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Rapture Plans

Some religious folks are predicting a rapture this Saturday--this would be where the good Christians get "raptured" up to heaven, presumably, while the rest of us sinners are left behind for fire and brimstone and a lifetime of Emilio Estevez movies. Sadly, I don't know personally any of these "rapture" predictors, otherwise I would be happy to accept their worldly possessions which they won't be needed in the netherworld. But it also gets me to think, what would I do if I knew I only had a few days left on earth before getting swallowed up into a pit of hell?

1) I'd have to get some top notch pizza in NYC--coincidentally, I already have that planned for this Saturday. I'm hoping that some sinful pizza chefs (who make sinfully delicious pizza) will be left behind too, since it'd be a waste to have them in heaven where they just eat hummus and watercress and crap like that anyway.

2) I definitely would not try and visit Detroit, since I'll be getting plenty of the pit of hell scene after the rapture. I sort of picture that post-rapture Earth will be a lot like Detroit.

3) Run naked across the field at a major league ball game. Of course, if the point is to be seen by a lot of people, I wouldn't try that at a Nationals game.

4) See if I can get my car up to 180 MPH on a straightaway in one of those western states with long flat highways. Though if a tumbleweed or hippie hitchhiker wander into the road I'd be done for.

5) Hang glide off the Empire State Building. Though, if I'm going to land in the river, I'd have to make a quick judgment call--which is more gross, the Hudson or the East River?

6) Create one of my signature chocolate-banana-peanutbutter-marshmallow-coconut milkshakes. Actually I should really do that anyway, no reason to wait for a rapture.

7) Get a ouija board--I may need to summon all sorts of demons to my side when the fit hits the shan. The rapture will be sort of like the NFL draft, and I need first round picks.

8) Get that machine gun I've had my eye on. Nowhere in the bible does it say that machine guns can kill demons, but then, it was written before they invented machine guns.

9) Hope that unkillable demons can be bought off with chocolate-banana-peanutbutter-marshmallow-coconut milkshakes.

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