Sharks? Try Crocodiles!

All this shark talk still doesn't get past the original, cliched reaction of "hey just stay away from the water and you're golden". It's true--just don't go swimming, sailing, flying overseas, or even hanging out at waterfront restaurants with rickety support beams. Sure, it means having to move to the "Red States" but look at the bright side--you can own all the guns you want and pay lower taxes and never need to know what "patchouli" is. And no shark attacks!

Of course this doesn't address a far more mindless and fearsome predator--the crocodile. Those damn things can waddle around on a dusty plain, and for short distances go as fast as a car. They're mindless killing machines, and they don't appreciate having their skins turned into apparel. And, while the idea of a shark slithering down the hallway at work is utterly preposterous, I really can't say that about a crocodile (we have strange hiring processes here).

The worst part of this potential crocodile menace is that I'd be utterly helpless, since our employee handbook does not allow harpoons or spears (I helped write the damn thing--oh cruel irony!). Fortunately, we are on the fourth floor and only the smallest crocodiles can fit on the elevator (and even then would need to convince someone else to press the buttons for it). So while there's a 0% chance of a shark attack at the office, the 0.001% chance of a crocodile attack is close enough to 0% that it'd be a waste of time to draw up a Crocodile Attack Contingency Plan.