Thursday, August 5, 2010

Goddam Spiders

While summertime has brought out the shark fears among the populace, there's still the more potent menace of big spiders to contend with. Note to self--if some hijacker on any plane I'm on tries to get us to be taken to Brazil, rush the cockpit! A face full of hot lead would be preferable to having a kitten-sized monster crawling after me.

Now, where is the rational basis for a spider fear? Let's start with the overall creepiness of an eight-legged creature. Or better, let's start with the fact that many species of spider are deadly to humans. And let's also remember that these lil' bastards tend to hide in the dark and stalk and look at you with those dead eyes waiting for a moment of vulnerability. Every one of them--even the "non-deadly" ones--would kill you if it could. Those eyes breed pure hate, folks!

When I was little, my dad would make absurd arguments that were "pro-spider" such as "do you know how many bugs they kill every year?" Pshaw! That's why God invented bug-zappers. And DDT, except until bird-loving swampies outlawed it and decided millions of deaths every year due to malaria is a fair price to pay to save some bird eggs. Now, tiny spiders with their webs are fine, I barely notice them. I'm talking about the hand-sized jobbies that lurk and prey. They probably don't even kill as many bugs, since they're spending their time plotting.

Worse, my dad would leave the car windows down when he parked in the garage during the summer. Why would a humane person do such a thing, knowing that spiders love not having to find other ways into the car? And also knowing that when I borrow the car, if I'm navigating a windy road and a big freaking thing crawls onto my leg I'm likely to end up in union with a bridge abutment? Only one reason folks--my dad is a sociopath. As for me, I'll keep my car windows up when it's parked, knowing that in these 90+ degree days it's baking whatever creepy crawlies made the mistake of hanging out in there.

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