Wednesday, August 25, 2010

My Acclaimed War Film

Once my horror and crime-action film have gotten me well known in Hollywood, it's time for a big-budget war film. But not just any run of the mill war film! The film I'm going to write and direct will be pure Oscar-bait--the kind of thing that will get tearful applause among the industry sleazeballs (who will be wearing tuxes, so they seem extra non-sleazy!) and possibly invites to parties thrown by big stars like Billy Zane and Bill Pullman. Here's how my glorious war film will stand out from the pack:

1) The angry loner with a death wish who "just doesn't care anymore" and plays by his own rules? He gets blown to bits early on, since "playing by his own rules" also means charging across the battlefield during an attack rather than staying in the trenches.

2) The Iowa farm boy who "can't wait to go home" so he can marry his sweetheart? He'll get lucky with an assignment to a desk job well behind the front lines, and make it home safe and sound when the war ends.

3) The heroic captain decides to shoot the enemy prisoners execution style, since he doesn't want to have to feed them. His men accept this happily since they didn't want to share their food either.

4) At one point on a patrol, one of the men says to the other "it's quiet....too quiet." Sure enough, it stays quiet, they finish their shift, and head back to base in time for breakfast.

5) During a brief leave, the men get visited by some prostitutes from town. Once the men realize they're prostitutes, they disgustedly send them home with admonitions to find some useful skill besides selling their bodies to strangers.

6) The rich kid who canoodled his way to a plum commanding officer position due to being on the same archery team as the son of the general actually turns out to be a nice guy and a competent leader.

7) The black guys all survive through the end of the movie. They also get along just fine with the commanding officer and their fellow white soldiers, because they learned that crap back in basic training and the battlefield isn't the place for social upheaval.

8) The Jewish guys are the toughest in the whole platoon, because they spent their youth lifting weights and working in delis.

9) The Italian guy abstains from gambling and cigarettes and actually turns out to be a stand-up guy. When one of the other guys in the platoon tries to scam or cheat someone, the Italian guy tells him that's "not cool".

10) The southern guy is pretty cool to the black guys.

11) The visiting general notes that the men all are unshaven, filthy, and with torn uniforms. He's impressed by this, since clearly these guys have been through "real fighting" and shouldn't have time for "looking pretty."

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