Tuesday, August 24, 2010

My Police Action Film

Horror movies tend to be successful at the box office, largely because they're cheap to make and promote, and so long as they get a modest take on opening weekend they pay for themselves. So as an acclaimed auteur, it makes sense for me to start with a horror film, and rake up some cash and goodwill in the industry. Next, I shall attempt a blockbuster action film.

Not just any action film though! This one will stand out as a bold and daring step. My film shall feature the following:

1) The hero cops will both be very professional, and get along pretty well since they leave their personal lives behind them when they're on the job. Their boss--the chief--will like them, since he knows they do good police work and do things by the book so that their arrests lead to convictions and no releases on "technicalities". Likewise, they'll have a good rapport with the District Attorney's office. The only time they see any Internal Affairs officers will be at the police cafeteria in line for Jell-o.

2) The hero cops will have wives and kids, or maybe a doting mother, and be on good terms with them as well. These side characters won't really fit into the main plot, because the evil criminal mastermind doesn't believe in kidnapping or murdering family members of his enemies. He's got some scruples!

3) The evil mastermind's girlfriend will try and use sultry come-ons to entice and trap the hero cop, but he'll nervously point out that he's gay (probably due to the doting mother!) and ask if she has a brother. The evil mastermind will later find out about his girlfriend's infidelity and give her a good scolding, and tell her to move out of his apartment because there are plenty of hot chicks in the city and he deserves better.

4) When the evil mastermind captures the hero cop, he'll consider telling him about his fiendishly clever plan to take over the city, but instead will decide the hero cop might get all judgmental so intstead he'll discuss whether the local football team will make the playoffs that year.

5) The older hero cop who has only two weeks until retirement will decide to retire early just so he doesn't push his luck. After decades on the force, no point in getting killed just before retirement.

6) The cops will discover the evil mastermind's big plan by amassing good forensic evidence and obtaining the necessary warrants.

7) The hero cops will be dressed pretty cheaply, drive old beaters, and be armed with standard sidearms since they are on police salaries. They also can't afford city apartments and have to commute in from Yonkers or Purdys or somewhere.

8) When the hero cop chains the bad guy to a car and leaves a time bomb in there, and walks away all cool-like and then the car explodes behind him, he won't be able to help but be startled and look back at the fireball, because how often do you get to see a live explosion?

9) When the evil mastermind is finally cornered and the hero cop has his gun to his head, the mastermind will actually give up--because he has no chance with a gun to his head--and quietly go to jail. He'll mount a great legal defense, but the cops played it by the book so he'll still have to go to prison.


  1. Wait, if the Hero Cop is such a good guy, why is he leaving time bombs in cars?

  2. And no one understands him but his womaaaaaaannnn.....