Thursday, August 26, 2010

My Rom-Com

Now that my acclaimed war film has won the Oscar--but very little in the way of box office cash--it's time to leverage that critical success with some genuine money makers. Hollywood studios love money far more than Oscar statuettes! And judging from the usual output from these sharks, it is clear that quality isn't important. But my ego as an auteur can only be satisfied by creating GREAT films, and so when I make my follow-up to the Oscar winner, I plan to improve on whatever genre I go for. At the same time, I do need to make money, so I'm going to go with the usual Valentines Day bait, and make a Romantic Comedy (or "Rom-com" as they call it in the streets).

How will my Rom-com be an improvement on the genre? Easy:

1) I will avoid using the usual female leads for these types of movies--Sandra Bullock, Katherine Heigl, Kate Hudson, Julia Roberts--and pick an actress who won't command such a high salary. I hear Penelope Ann Miller needs work these days! Just kidding, I think she gave up acting years ago and is now figuring out the finer points of fry cookery (don't mock, I fully plan to work at McDonalds when I'm (a) flat broke, (b) retired, or (c) both. It's a rite of passage). I'll go with Elizabeth Shue. She gets paid in candy these days.

2) For the male lead, I'll go with a tried and true performer, Denzel Washington. When I think "madcap hilarity" and "tender loving ways" I think of one dude--Dog the Bounty Hunter. But Dog can't act, so I'll go with Denzel.

3) The movie will start out with them meeting at work, when the female lead mistakes the male lead for a valet at a fancy restaurant, largely because he chose to wear a red jacket and bowtie due to a mixup at the dry cleaners. He'll of course accuse her of anti-Semitism, because his adoptive parents are Jewish and what, are Jews only good for parking gentiles cars? She'll reply that she had no idea about the Jewish thing, and her best friends are Jewish, though they haven't been good pen pals lately and she planted a tree in Israel even though it died. This line of conversation only serves to piss off the actual valet, who is a Palestinian immigrant, who then and there swears revenge on this tree planting Zionist.

4) The two meet again when she is applying for a job at a fancy new law firm, and guess who is doing the interview! Denzel! Hilarity ensues! Shue looks at a picture of a kid on his desk, and comments what a handsome lad it is, and he points out that that's his daughter. Oops! You're screwed, Shue! They get in a screaming match, he tells her he'll never hire a racist cracker who can't tell boys from girls. She threatens to sue, and just then the Palestinian guy bursts into the office and flings a paperweight at her. Get used to this, that guy is going to be providing comic relief like that throughout the film!

5) That night, Shue is comforted by her female roommate (played by the obese chick from "Precious", since she has proven her comedic chops! And pork chops) and her gay friend because every Rom-Com heroine needs a gay friend to show how accepting she is and because gay people are always hilarious except Rock Hudson wasn't all that funny. The gay friend will be played by Mark Wahlberg since he did such a great gay character in "Planet of the Apes".

6) And you know what? This is where my film will depart from the usual formula. Denzel will realize that maybe his own ex-wife--played by Sienna Miller, who works cheap now--wasn't so bad, because she at least isn't a racist cracker and can tell boys from girls. He'll reconcile with her, while Shue discovers her love for gay Mark Wahlberg. Mark asks "do you really want a sham marriage with a gay man?" and she says yes because he still looks like Mark Wahlberg! And the tax benefits.

7) The film ends with the four of them meeting awkwardly in a restaurant. Cue end music.

Cinematic brilliance.

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