Monday, August 23, 2010

My Horror Film

I'd like to write and direct a horror film that would shock and surprise audiences all over the country, catapulting me into cult status and making me so rich I can finally buy that solid gold car. Here's where my film would throw off audiences and leave their jaws dropping to the floor:

1) No eerie violin music whenever the killer is about to pounce on the heroes. Instead, the suspense buildup and killing will take place to the tune of "Walking on Sunshine".

2) The couple having sex in the graveyard where the killer has been known to stalk? They won't get killed, the killer will just tell them to knock it off and spring for a motel room, the cheap bastards.

3) The local police chief will take all the disturbing evidence very seriously, and through logical and professional police work, will help the killer's former psychiatrist--a man that the police chief will respect immensely due to his Ivy League degrees and clinical experience, even though they just met--track down the killer.

4) During this investigation, the police chief will find to his surprise that the killer had an idyllic home life with great parents that loved him very much. His landlady and neighbors will remark that the killer was a swell guy who was a lot of fun, and it will be a total mystery as to why he decided to get all stabby.

5) The killings will take place on a random day, no holiday or magical anniversary of any significant date. That's because the killer wants to make sure no one will have their guard up.

6) The heroes will find a copy of the Book of the Dead, but figuring it's a pretty creepy thing, will decide not to read it and just leave it where they found it and play X-Box instead.

7) The black guy at the beginning will actually be among the survivors, and he will have his own personality traits and character flaws that add depth and demonstrate that he is in no way a token just to balance out the cast.

8) When chased by the killer, the heroes will band together, stay in one another's sight, arm themselves adequately, and head to the nearest civilized area to get the authorities.

9) The nice virginal girl will be among the earliest victims.

10) Everyone's cell phones will work at all times.

11) When the surviving heroes smash the killer over the head with a 2x4, the hard blow to the head will crush his skull and kill him instantly. Then when the heroes rest, turning their head from the killer's body, he's going to stay dead because seriously, 2x4 to the head! After that you don't need extra stabbing/shooting/dismembering.

1 comment:

  1. American Psycho may actually have a murder scene set to Walking on Sunshine. I shit you not. Go check it out :) (To be fair, I think it's closer to the beginning of the movie in a non-murder scene, but it's still a pretty great movie. And an even better book)