Thursday, June 16, 2011

6 Messages for Thursday

1) To the Moron in the exit lane on I-66 waiting to merge onto the Beltway--generally when you leave 20 feet of space between you and the car in front of you while we're at a dead stop due to unreasonably bad traffic, it means every jerk who wants to cut ahead in line will do so, every time. Clearly you've never driven a car or lived in a society before. Please crawl into the woods and hide from society, as your usefulness is no more.

2) To the Virginia Department of Transportation--I love that the state is running a surplus, and Northern Virginia is an area of strong job growth due to government contracting. Kudos on cashing in! Now how about actually paving I-66, particularly the lunar landscape between the Beltway and Route 50? Our region provides about 100% of the state's tax dollars, considering the rest of the Old Dominion's economy is based on charging audiences for Civil War re-enactments. This stretch of road looks like the German Army blasted across it in an attempt to take Stalingrad. Fix it!

3) To the D.C. area drivers--face it, we're all completely incompetent behind the wheel, and unfortunately no one in government has the brains to create a comprehensive mass-transit infrastructure. It's not entirely their fault, our incompetence also leaks out in our voting patterns which explains the mouth-breathers we have representing us. Considering we're just not good at driving--yes, that includes you too, Mr. Special Snowflake!--maybe we can make up for it by at least being less aggressive drivers? Every time you idiots cause an accident it just makes the traffic jams worse for the rest of us.

4) To the young skateboarders who thought it a good idea to run across Route 50 during rush hour--you know, I have nothing to say to you. Traffic was backed up as usual. You were really in no danger. Just try not to grow up and become a dead-eyed automaton like the rest of us Virginia drivers.

5) To our future Chinese overlords--please be merciful.

6) To the inventor of the hovercraft--according to old science fiction movies, you're way overdue. Get on it!

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