You Damn Dirty Ape

One thing I get really tired of is all these news reports about how apes are going to rise up and become our masters some day. This was really hammered home with last night's viewing of "Battle for the Planet of the Apes", the 1973 documentary starring Roddy McDowell and Claude Akins (both of whom starred in a number of classic Twilight Zone episodes). The moral was basically this--be mean to apes, and they'll learn how to use machine guns and mess you up real good. There was also an additional lesson--gorillas are the most dangerous apes of them all!

This is hogwash, of course, because gorillas are basically gentle creatures and are more likely to learn to ride tricycles than attack humans (unless you're dressed like a giant banana, in which case you're really just asking for it, and don't give me that "don't blame the victim" crap because really, a banana suit? That's just sick). Baboons, well now that's another story--those disgusting creatures are nothing but trouble and if you see one, make sure you're well armed and if you live in one of those gun-hating states like New York then I feel sorry for you, because what are the chances of getting killed by baboons in Manhattan? Slim, I'd guess.

The film tried to make some other point about how apes and humans can reason with each other, but there's a major flaw in this. Most apes come from parts of Africa that speak French or Belgian (which is to French what Midwestern is to English), and creatures that speak French will only obey you if you scream at them in German. Yell at them in English and all they'll do is look down on you, even if you saved them from the Germans who scream at them. This may not be fair, but it is an example of what we call "ape justice".