How to Improve Sports

It's no secret that sports have evolved over the years as rules are changed, either to make the game more exciting or more evenly matched. So whenever purists try and tell me that they can't fix baseball or football because of "tradition", I generally laugh in their face, and if I have a mouthful of water they are treated to a comedic spit-take. Then I tell them that now that I realize they were actually serious, I shall laugh harder. That's how passionate I am about constantly changing and improving sports.

What would I do differently?

1) Baseball. Give baseball a thirty second pitch clock. If the pitcher takes more than thirty seconds between pitches, the batter can charge the mound. Base runners have to carry the bat with them the whole time. And put an extra base in there so it's more a pentagon than a diamond.

2) Basketball. Too much scoring, thus making points too cheaply won. Allow goaltending and much more roughhousing. On the other hand, any actual fouls will result in foul shots that are not worth one point apiece, but rather five points apiece. This will discourage fouls! Also, change the three point line to a four point line. And for any game where the average height of the players is over 6 feet, raise the basket an inch for each inch over six feet for the player average.

3) Hockey. Add some poles at various parts of the ice, and get rid of "offsides" and "icing" since no one understands those rules. Add another two players on each team to make it more likely a fight will break out.

4) Football. A touchdown scored on a pass should be worth an extra point. A missed field goal means not just not getting the three points, but losing a point. Put one extra player on the field who is an eligible receiver. Widen the field by ten yards. Get rid of padding--I actually think players will be more careful knowing they don't have helmets and padding. If not, then oops.

5) Golf. The only way to make this game more exciting is to add a box of live cobras at each green.