The Speech the President Should Give Tonight on Afghanistan

"My fellow Americans. Tonight I announce to you that we are beginning the complete withdrawal of all our troops from Afghanistan, and we do this for several reasons. To save time so you can get back to regularly scheduled programming, and Chris Matthews can go back to kissing my ass and Sean Hannity can go back to biting it, I'll run through them quickly:

"One: Osama bin Laden is dead. And just to drive the point home, we've recently greased his next two successors, leaving Al Quada with a worse leadership vaccuum than Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign. Sorry Newt! Hope you sell some books when this is over. I have a title for you--'Implosion: The Story of the Most Ill Conceived Presidential Campaign of All Time.'

"Two: There's a good reason no country has ever successfully colonized Afghanistan. It's basically mountains and dirt, with a smattering of angry people. Who needs it? It's sort of absurd that with other, more fun countries out there, we're occupying this one. There's not even any oil to steal.

"Three: They gave me a Nobel Peace Prize two years ago, and now that we're bombing Libya on top of occupying Iraq and Afghanistan, the damn medal just seems to mock me. I'm just not hipster enough to handle that kind of irony, so I have to get us out of one of our wars.

"Four: Do you know how much the Afghan war costs us every day? I won't give you the figures, because they'll depress you when you realize how many families' mortgages could have been wiped clean with the money we spend over there in a year. And now that the Republicans are talking about gutting NPR, it just seems asinine that we're burning so much cash in Central Asia.

"Five: The Vietnam War taught us that when we don't define how to win, then there's no way we can win. Well, let's look at what we've done in Afghanistan in ten years--toppled the Taliban, set up a more friendly government, and tracked and killed Al Quada leaders relentlessly, culminating in their grand poobah just this year. What more would we have to do to call it a victory? Carve my head in stone in one of their mountains, a la Mt. Rushmore? Highly unnecessary. Though, I wouldn't exactly protest if they did something so blatantly ass-kissingish. See, Prize, Nobel."