Relationship Advice for Beginners

1) When a woman says nothing's wrong, something's definitely wrong. When a woman says something's wrong, hide. And when a woman says "that's not funny" she's most likely wrong. Something's always funny.

2) Don't take a woman to McDonalds on your anniversary as a "test" to see if she can accept you in poverty as much as she can in wealth. But if you do take her there and she enjoys it, she's a keeper.

3) When you and a woman come up with a list of "freebies"--that is, random celebrities that you can each sleep with if you ever got the chance--and she picks Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and George Clooney, whatever you do don't tell her you picked her sister and that secretary at her office. She won't find it funny at all.

4) If a man tells you his game has only a minute and a half left, be ready for that game to end in about a half hour. Sports time is different.

5) Notice how your man will at least wear an undershirt and sweat pants when he's lounging around your living room? Don't get too used to that. After a month you'll be happy if he's wearing undershorts.

6) Women--always leave at least a bit of space in the fridge in case he comes in with a cold six pack. Otherwise you'll find random bottles stuffed into the butter container, vegetable crisper and your leftover Chinese.

7) When you're let into the passenger seat of the car first, you don't necessarily have to unlock the driver's side door before the driver gets in--but you have to at least reach.

8) Women--if you're making your man go to the Sex and the City movie, you are going to owe him three baseball games. Now, how does one two hour movie equate to about nine hours of baseball? The movie is just that bad.

9) Men--if she owns a cat, accept the fact that you rate somewhere between the level of her cat and the level of whatever is in the cat's litter box. Cat people are just different that way.

10) Women--if he owns a dog, accept the fact that you just can't have nice things.