How to Avoid Disease

For centuries, human beings have been thinning out the herd by spreading diseases that have rooted out the weak and left the rest of us full of hate for our fellow man. What is the culprit for this scourge of disease? The handshake.

Yes, every time we meet someone new for the first time--someone who probably has their hand filled with new and exotic germs--we extend our hand and grap a scoopfull of their filthy, filthy bacteria. Then we go and shake some more hands, because we're just so friendly, and the spread becomes a pandemic.

Well, I'm nothing if not a positive force in the world, so I'm gong to suggest new alternatives to handshaking that can help you get through any business meeting without turning your hand into a petri dish.

1) Bowing. Yes, the Japanese have been doing this for centuries. The problem is it shows a lot of deference to whoever you're meeting, and you may want to assert dominance instead. Try changing this to a simple nod or an eye blink.

2) The "psyche!" move, where you hold your hand out and when they try to handshake you pull your hand back swiftly to run it through your hair. This makes you look cool and detached. The downside is it doesn't work if you're trying to not get punched.

3) The elbow bump. This is a great move, as our elbows are notoriously clean. (I sometimes try and eat stuff using just my elbows). The downside? It's easy to miss and elbow someone in the face, or worse, their boob, in which case you may have a sex harassment case on your hands.

How do you try one of these alternatives to the handshake without seeming rude? Easy--just make sure your hand looks like something no one will ever want to shake. Keep it covered with some bacon grease, or dirty bandages. Then, voila, you are now doing the elbow bump and avoiding germs.