Monday, March 1, 2010

TV Sucks

There is something to be said for how much television sucks at this time of the year. No, don't try to defend it, you'll only make a fool of yourself and your blood line. (Yes, I will in my old age go around mocking your descendants for your folly. Fear me.) Let's see what we have:

1) No football or baseball. That period between the Super Bowl and opening day of baseball leaves only two sports on television--basketball and hockey. Basketball is endlessly annoying because the final minutes are nothing but fouls that end up taking longer than the first half of the game. Weak! Make the penalty for fouls be a punch in the junk, in which case you'll see far fewer fouls. I still don't know why the NBA refused to make me commissioner. And hockey, while I enjoy watching it live, it doesn't translate well on TV and the ice just reminds me of the lousy weather.

2) Winter Olympics. This event sucks. It has made up sports like curling and bobsledding (yes we all know how to sit on a sled, that doesn't make it a sport), as well as "sports" like figure skating and ice dancing that are judged subjectively (leading to all sorts of corruption). Figure skating is also sort of like NASCAR, in that it only gets interesting when there's an accident. Two weeks of boringness!

3) Awards shows. These are absolutely retarded wastes of time. Six hour telecasts to find out who got Best Art Direction? Ooh, the suspense is killing me, I really want to know what a bunch of biased movie industry lowlifes think about which film or person did the best job promoting themselves. Kill it with fire!

4) Okay, I'll grant that most of our favorite shows are showing new episodes during this period, but this is also when a lot of mid-season replacements come out. And what can be worse than the crap that often premieres in the Fall Season? Usually it's this mid-season garbage that was turned down six months earlier and is being given a second chance.

The shame of it is that this is also the time of year that people are most likely to be inside, watching TV in the first place. You have failed in your mission, TV folks!


  1. USA-Canada hockey? People dying on the luge runs? Another wipe-out on the downhill course? More wipe outs on the short track racing and then dq's? Mock my descendants if you must, but I thought that this was good stuff!

  2. Gotta go with Brooksy here. The Olympics were a ball, especially cause we won. Now, I admit, watching the men's 50k xcountry yesterday was like watching a grass growing relay or paint-drying marathon, but that's just one event.

    Might I suggest heavy drinking for the next, what? 29 days? until the Nationals begin losing again.

  3. Brooks--I never knew you were a closet Canadian! Finally a source for all my maple-syrup related questions!

    Foggy--the heavy drinking will get even more intense once the Nationals start losing again. Which is also opening day.

  4. Clearly you aren't watching Modern Family- which is the best new show on TV since The Office/Family Guy (can't remember which came first). Seriously, check it out on Hulu or SurfTheChannel. You'll thank me.